It’s been a while. I’ve been rather busy, but perhaps there’s been nothing I wish to say. Today, in the wake of all the random madness of this month, this song is on my mind.
Days Like This
20 Tuesday Nov 2012
Posted in Reflections
Category Archives: Reflections
Waxing Poetic
05 Wednesday Sep 2012
Posted in Reflections
Tags
family, God, love, relationships, sister
Most people who know me think I have quite the aversion to all things romantic. Whereas they’re not entirely off the mark, it’s more of a matter of being realistic…okay, with lots of cynicism thrown in. Point? I honestly don’t feel as if I’m missing out.
To this day, I still haven’t found anyone I’d reprogram my mind for. The closest I’ve come is saying to my sister, Felicia, that I’d marry her if she were male and we weren’t related. Why? You’d have to know her to understand. My mission today is to give you a peek into the lovely world of all things Fel.
Drive me crazy? ✓
Make me smile from depths of self I didn’t know I possessed? ✓
Finish each other’s sentences? ✓
Communicate without words? ✓
Remind my heart (dubious as its existence is) of what love feels like, just by the simple act of taking in oxygen? ✓
I could go on. Everyone needs a Fel… like, seriously. It’s so much bigger than the Bank of Fel phenomenon. It’s the way she lights up a room with a smile…the way she’s everyone’s self-appointed “fave”…the way her feet aren’t adult-sized…the way she walks around the house making noise for no reason…the way she delights in mischief…the way she can tick you off and make you smile in the same heartbeat.
I love my Felicia…and I miss her…and that’s what’s on my heart and mind today.
Is my family normal? A resounding no. Would I trade any of them for my greatest desire (whatever that is)? No. Each one is a gift. Know what I think? I think God knew I needed a Fel… and He gave me one. The same God who saw our need for Him (and gave us Jesus–best gift ever!) sees our need for human representations of His love, and He fills that need so beautifully. Be grateful.
If you have a Fel, say thank you. Thank you to that person who can make you remember how to smile … that person who can make you cry on a plane … that person who lets you enjoy being you, whoever you are.
So, not my best piece of writing, but I like it…because it’s about my Feliner…and I like her…lots.
Since I’m no longer on FB, I need a favour. All you nice people who are friends with Felicia, please share this link to her wall, or to your own wall. Just loud up di ting, so as many people as possible know how amazing she is. Who knows? I could get a brother-in-law out of this. She’s actually single…shocker. (A picture would be overkill…plus, she’d probably hurt me. Teehee.) OK, I’ll behave now. Thanks so much!
(P.S The title of this blog post was inspired by Felicia’s idea of how I’d express my response to the joy of her presence. Love you, Felpee! Thanks for loving me.)
29 Wednesday Aug 2012
Posted in Le Shrinking, Reflections, Uncategorized
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So, I’ve never reblogged before, but this is epic stuff. I’m so good at lying to myself, especially these days. (Check out Heather’s blog. She’s really cool.)
The Days Add Up
25 Wednesday Jul 2012
Posted in Reflections, Uncategorized
I’m back home. Been here for eight full days. I was out of the country for almost one hundred days, and if I learned anything, it’s that the days add up.
I went to St. Lucia with every intention of changing, inside and out, but it took me the better part of three months to see that I had already changed. It was so easy to think I was unpleasant in reaction to my often annoying family (love you guys! :P), as opposed to unpleasant, full stop. Too easy to think I was too tired or busy (or idle) to talk to God, rather than admitting my heart was nowhere near Him. Too easy to admit a problem and tack on an external “because”, rather than admitting responsibility for where I was in life.
For the first time in my 15 years as a Christian, it became difficult to talk to God. I had more free time than I knew what to do with, no children to look after, no one to annoy me (during my sister’s work hours, that is…once she got home… :D), and lots of space. Still, having devotions was a struggle. Sure, I’d skipped devotions before, sometimes for days, but I’d never before felt as if I were just going through the motions.
It didn’t hit me until close to the end of my time there that the consequences of sin are often not what we think they are. Sin is degenerative. However “little” or “big”, it costs us. Like, Jesus and I were cool, and I knew He wasn’t holding my actions against me, but I didn’t understand that they were changing me.
Sometimes, we get so caught up in how much God hates sin that we forget it is linked to His love for us. He knows what sin does to us. He knows it leads only to death. He knows the death is often slow and escapes our notice. It’s for our own good. Think about it: how does God benefit from us not sinning? He doesn’t. He’s still God, anyway, but there’s no doubt that our lives are better when we live God’s way. So, it’s not that God warns us from sin so that He will love us, but because He loves us.
I have a huge collection of “little” sins and a few “big” ones. Even though I know there’s no ranking system where this is concerned, I tell myself it’s not such a big deal. But, you know something? These not-so-big deals kill us…one day at a time. One day at a time, my heart drifted from Him…and I didn’t even notice. For the most part, I was quite fine…happy, even. That’s the scary part.
Thankfully, the days add up for the better as well. When I, by His strength, fought through and spent the time I needed to with Him, the distance gradually decreased…until I ran away again. But, it screams hope. One day at a time, one situation at a time, we make choices that either lead us to or away from God. Nothing’s neutral. Anything that isn’t helping us draw closer to God is pulling us away. We may never have one huge consequence, but there are worse things. For too many of us, the price is our affection for God.
Is anything or anyone worth that? The reality of our choices often reveals that question is nowhere near as rhetorical as we think it is.
Accepting the reality of our sinfulness means accepting our authentic self. Judas could not face his shadow; Peter could. The latter befriended the impostor within; the former raged against him.
– Brennan Manning
Of Fat and Sin
23 Monday Apr 2012
Posted in Le Shrinking, Reflections
Tags
Disclaimer: This post is in no way attempting to imply that being fat is a sin. That’s a debate for those with enough time on their hands. Teehee. That said…
So, I finally left Jamaica. (I can strike that off my list.) Being here in St. Lucia with my sister is pretty cool, but there’s just one problem: there are too many mirrors in this house, man. Everywhere I went, I could see myself. Seriously? Like, how many mirrors does one house need?
Point? I finally SAW how much weight I had put on. Now, I’ve never been small by any stretch of anyone’s imagination, but this is the heaviest I’ve been in my whole life. In the words of a dear friend of mine, “You’re huge.” Being fat has never bugged me. It has been a part of my life forever, and I was never around people who made me feel worthless as a result, so I guess it was easy to…well, not notice that I was REALLY packing on the pounds, man. (No, no, now is not the time to mention my almost obsessive aversion to shrinking.)
Like, you don’t see the weight going on…well, I didn’t. I rarely ever use a mirror, because I already know what I look like, and, though I don’t have a lot of clothes, I have enough to know what they look like on me. Now, let’s not be silly, of course I knew I was putting on weight. I could also tell that my newly-acquired inactive lifestyle (chores only require so much activity and no more) was affecting me. I used to dance several hours a week, now I can’t easily climb a flight of stairs. Fitness issue much.
So, how did we arrive at the title for the blog post? Sin is pretty much the same way. Just as I knew I was putting on weight, but not to what extent, we know we’re slipping from God and we often don’t realise just how much until we’ve done something we never thought we would do. Like, it’s maybe an ounce at a time, one little misdeed at a time, but we know we’re pretty far from where He wants us. Like, I live on a hill. If I wanted to exercise, I could have. In the same way, we know we can go to God and have Him shape us into His image, but we don’t, for whatever reason. Maybe we say it’s too late, or maybe we haven’t yet allowed that moment of truth.
My moment of truth came last week. How? I bought a scale (a really hot scale, too :P). Now, I had a vague idea how much I weighed, but maybe I was secretly hoping it was less, especially since I’ve been kinda eating properly since getting here. SO, hot scale’s electric blue LCD output hit me for six.
291
Yep, you saw right, Yanique. I used to joke that I’m pushing 300, but seeing it? No fun. I’ve joined a gym at last (we’ll save that for another blog post), and I walk more, so maybe there’s hope. We’ll see. Less about the numbers, and more about getting my health and fitness back. Anyway…
I know people who would probably slash their wrists if they got to my size, yet I’m pretty certain we’re not that vigilant about sin. We’re not that vigilant about the things that are pulling us away from God, one tiny step or giant leap at a time.
It’s not easy to get back on track, but it can be done. For example, I went to a circuit training class last week… A few minutes in, I was like, “I am dead.” Like, I literally said it. My arm muscles were shot and my thighs weren’t much better, but I made it! And, I’ll be going again this week.
So, maybe the road back to God is one tiny step at a time…maybe a crawl, but go. He’s always waiting, arms open. And He’s more patient and helpful than any trainer on the planet, even that nice one who told me, “Don’t watch the numbers, just do what you can.” (Man, did I ever say Amen!) Maybe you’re wondering how you’ll ever get back to where you were, but do what you can. It’s all by God’s strength, anyway, and His grace is greater than our every weakness.
All the best on your journey (back) to God’s heart. In the words of another dear friend of mine, “Let the Spirit guide you.”
Leftovers…
28 Tuesday Feb 2012
Posted in Reflections, Uncategorized
It is so unlike me to have had absolutely nothing I wished to share with my little section of this vast blogosphere…for over three months! My mind was far from blank, but the thoughts were less than comforting. When my mind runs away with me, it often goes to places too dark for comfort (and yes, some dark places are quite comfortable, thank you very much).
Recently, I found myself doing a bit of a mental inventory, taking stock of all the things that were within my reach and would have been mine without there needing to be a miracle. Of all the things I could have done, of all the things I (kinda) set out to do, of all the things I came close to wanting, how many of them have ticks (not the parasites) beside them? None… zero… not even one.
When I take the time to crunch those numbers, I wonder what’s the point. I’m pushing 30 (26 is almost 30, so there), and what do I have show for it? I wouldn’t say, “nothing”, but there are days it seems pretty close. I ask myself…what’s left? After all I’ve lost/thrown away/strangled to death and then stabbed for good measure, what remains of this Lori creature? That is perhaps the question of my lifetime.
My nephews were watching the first episode of “The Jetsons” the other day–the one in which they acquired Rosie (epic robot maid). There were complaints that all they had were leftovers, and Spacely (boss dude) was coming over for dinner. Rosie saved the day…with the leftovers.
One of the hardest things for me to accept is that God can and will redeem (buy back, restore value to) my life. I believe firmly that He is able to redeem anyone and anything, but I somehow manage to exclude myself from this process, if only on a subconscious level.
I do not dare to suggest that God is an epic robot maid (He’s infinitely cooler), but I dare to believe that one day, I will believe in His power to redeem from a place that transcends intellectual acceptance of God’s goodness and faithfulness…to me.
If God could make the world from nothing (which He did), if He could make the way for all mankind to be restored to Him through Jesus (which He most certainly did), then imagine what He can do with leftovers… with Lori. Imagine what He can do with you.
Honestly, I can’t picture it yet, but it’s coming…like a sunrise stealing across my soul.
Hosea 13:9, 10 (KJV [paraphrased])
O Israel, you have destroyed yourself; but in Me is your help. I will be your king: where is any other that may save you…?
But we must…
05 Saturday Nov 2011
Posted in Reflections, Uncategorized
Sometimes, there are no words… other times, you must bleed through your fingers, turning black and white to red… depending on how normal you are, sometimes you cry, and only those saline streams form an effective outlet.
Still, sometimes, nothing works.
Nothing works, and all you can do is take one tortured breath after another. Repeat.
No pause.
No stop.
Repeat…
How do you stop your heart from becoming one huge callus? You can’t change the pain, so the answer must be to change the heart… to shut it down, so it registers no sensation, be it pain or pleasure. Life sucks… sometimes. What can we do about it, really?
I dare to suggest that maybe the point isn’t to change life, but to BE CHANGED by the tide of trials and the fires of agony… to allow the God who is with us when we pass through the fire to watch over us as He refines us into vessels that please Him. Either life is some twisted cosmic game, or God has a plan. A good plan. A plan to prosper us, and not to harm us. A plan to give us a hope and a future. A plan for us to cry out to Him, pray to Him, seek Him, find Him, and be FOUND IN HIM.
Life stinks… but we must believe. We must believe that the God who is Love has not deserted us, even when other ‘loves’ have.
Love hurts… but we must recall the goodness of the God who takes the time to number the hairs on our heads, because He’s either an obsessive compulsive or He really does care about us.
We bleed… but we must call on the mercy of the God who heals, the God who makes alive the dead.
We fail… but we must fall on the grace of the God whose strength is perfect in our weakness…we must fall on His grace, thus learning to stand.
The fire may not cease… but we must believe that God is able to deliver us, and even if He doesn’t, we must believe that He will never desert us.
There are things we will never understand this side of heaven… but we must run to God…with our tears, our sorrows, our questions, our joys…with everything.
How easy it is to forget the goodness of God in a world where life is one heartache after another… a world in which we see death, sickness, starving children, injustice, and every horror imaginable. We may not be able to change the things around us, but we must allow God’s love to change us, and we’ll find that we’re already making a difference, simply by being different.
God is good. Say it. Remember it. Believe it. We are still here. We have life in Jesus, the Christ, the Son of the Living God. We have hope. God has not forgotten us.
God is Love.
Lamentations 3 (NKJV [mostly :P])
17 You have moved my soul far from peace; I have forgotten prosperity.
18 And I said, “My strength and my hope have perished from the LORD.”
19 Remember my affliction and roaming, the wormwood and the gall.
20 My soul still remembers and sinks within me.
21 This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope.
22 It is because of the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.
23 They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.
24 “ The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “ Therefore I hope in Him!”
25 The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him
26 It is good that one should hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
In Another’s Shoes…
15 Saturday Oct 2011
Posted in Reflections
The past week or so has been a time of deep reflection (well, in the moments I couldn’t distract myself with mindless entertainment).
I’ve realized something: my life is nowhere near as difficult as I think it is. Walking in love is hard, and I’ve been coming up with excuses to not do it…flimsy ones at that. I truly do not wish to be a nice person. I know we’re all different and we ought not to compare ourselves to others, but when I look at the things distressing me, versus the things distressing others in my life, I have to admit it: I’ve been a baby and another word beginning with ‘b’.
It’s been a crazy season for many people in my life, and I’ve been wondering how I’d respond in their situations. Yes, I know the right thing, but I also know myself well enough to face the reality that knowing the right thing is no guarantee that it’ll get done. Like, I don’t think people generally consciously decide to walk away from their principles. Sometimes, circumstance makes the wrong decision easier–the same way it often does for me.
Point? Most people are not ignorant of what the right thing is. It’s just that the right thing doesn’t always seem right to them or right for them. I think Christians have a tendency to throw Scripture at people without remembering the people themselves. I’m all for sharing God’s truth, and that won’t change. What I’ve found, though, is that sometimes people and I don’t have the same view of God. Sometimes, people feel so dirty, so ashamed, so insert-appropriate-adjective-here that they expect others and God to feel the same way. No wonder the Bible says to speak the truth in love. What’s the point of sharing God’s truth without God’s love behind it?
So, I’ve been thinking. Your shoes don’t make you blind to truth, but they might make truth less appealing. In your shoes, would I respond any differently? I’ve been given several scenarios to consider over the past couple months, and I can see what I’ve known for most of my life. I’m not different, no better than anyone else. In fact, I just may be worse.
In the words of a reformed slave ship captain:
Amazing Grace!
How sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me! …‘Tis grace that brought me safe thus far
And grace will lead me home.
“Amazing Grace” – John Newton
Whatever truth we stand for, may we remember God’s love for all, as well as this basic truth: Christians aren’t better people; we’re simply products of grace.
I am NOT Perfect (and I know it, okay?)
29 Thursday Sep 2011
Posted in Reflections, Uncategorized
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Recently, I’ve been a bit–is annoyed the right word?
Maybe I’m confused, but I think people are confused too. One minute, there are those who say I’m evil (or some other synonym), and then we have the ones who think I should be canonized, or already have been.
I don’t do many of the things that a lot of people do, but it just means I am different. It doesn’t mean I’m perfect, righteous, or some other word for stuck-up Christian. All those things I don’t do, I can lay at the feet of personal preference or the sheer grace of God. For example, I don’t drink, because alcohol tastes nasty… don’t smoke, because breathing isn’t optional… don’t swap spit or other body fluids, because–have you seen me recently? No one is challenging that particular state of affairs, plus I have a complex about hygiene and sharing body fluids… I could keep going.
Long and short, I’m… tired of being seen as some sort of super ‘holy’ creature, because God factors highly in my thoughts. The alternative is to go full-on crazy. I don’t talk about God because I’m trying to make a point or preach to people, so I can check random evangelism moment off my checklist (the one I don’t have, by the way). I talk about God, because He is what makes sense to me… He is how I maintain this tenuous hold on my sanity… He is why I’m alive, rather than existing in my zombie zone.
I am not the standard… never have been… never wish to be. God is the only one worth comparing ourselves to, and He is willing to embrace and rescue us when we fall short. Remember that thing called the Gospel? Yeah, that’s the point…
Don’t look at me and think I’m better… or think I think I’m better. If I’m perfect in any way, it is this…
I am perfectly human… just like you.
I Used to be Christian…
22 Thursday Sep 2011
Posted in Reflections, Uncategorized
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No, there’s no word missing in the title…
Before I started this blog, I went back to my very first blog, which I started in 2004. As I read those thoughts, I was shocked. I wrote that? Seriously?!?!? I mean, I was clearly a bit on the weird side, but there was such substance to my thoughts back then. If I didn’t know better, I’d say I even had a functioning heart.
I’ve never been perfect, and there was even a time in my life when I was a full-blown psycho, but I can honestly say I used to be Christian. Although modern usage essentially limits the word ‘Christian’ to a noun, it started out as an adjective. The word, by definition, is clearly descriptive, so even though it was a name (noun) back then as well, the usage suggests that ‘Christian’ was first an adjective (if only in the minds of those who coined the term), which became a noun when used collectively. Those early church dudes were so like Christ that they called them ‘Christians’. (I doubt it was a term of endearment, by the way).
There was no parting of the sky, no grand herald of the changes taking place in my heart, but somehow, it became easier to be cold… easier to not care… easier to use curse words in my head… easier to say yes to things that should be automatic NOs… easier to ignore that Voice extending an invitation to discover His heart, to grow in love, and to be loved by Love… easier to close my heart (dubious as its existence is) to the changes that years of devouring Scripture had wrought.
I’m too much a creature of habit to overtly deviate from a lifetime of teaching, but there’s a nice little phrase for that: going through the motions. See, in the same way there’s no wake-up-and-suddenly-you’re-in-love, there’s no wake-up-and-suddenly-you’re-far-from-God. Baby steps lead to giant leaps, and maybe it’s skipping devotions, or holding that little grudge, or listening to that one little song that you know is gonna leave your mind in a dangerous place… just flirting with danger, as if sin exists for any purpose but the destruction of the human soul. I don’t know what your story is, but this is mine. I used to be Christian… and God, in His nice gently-smack-you-upside-the-head way, is pulling me back towards Him.
The journey to God’s heart is never easy, but it is worth it. Jesus is the Way.
A me one a wicked? (Ehem, does anyone have a similar experience?)
Jeremiah 32…
37 Behold, I will gather them out of all countries where I have driven them in My anger, in My fury, and in great wrath; I will bring them back to this place, and I will cause them to dwell safely.
38 They shall be My people, and I will be their God; 39 then I will give them one heart and one way, that they may fear Me forever, for the good of them and their children after them.
40 And I will make an everlasting covenant with them, that I will not turn away from doing them good; but I will put My fear in their hearts so that they will not depart from Me. 41 Yes, I will rejoice over them to do them good, and I will assuredly plant them in this land, with all My heart and with all My soul.’
*SMILE*
It Begins: 