Author Archives: Lori

Facing The Fat

17 Wednesday Oct 2012

Posted by in Le Shrinking

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I’ve never been skinny. Like, never. Perhaps that is why being fat has never bugged me. Or, maybe it is because I never took the time to really look into it.

Whatever the case, I spent three superb months with my sister, and spent two or so of those months attempting to get my health on track. Clearly, two months could have been nothing other than a start, but it was a start I needed. I came home roughly 17 pounds lighter. Whereas that may look small, especially relative to the over 150 pounds of excess weight I carried, the difference was obvious.

Since then, I’ve regained a few of those pounds, lost much of the muscle tone I returned home with, and slipped into a pattern dangerously close to the one I had before I left. For all my talk of not caring, I’m a bit of a paradoxical perfectionist. I’d rather do nothing, than not give something my best (very often, an unrealistic best).

Absolute. Garbage.

If I hadn’t told myself I was too busy, too tired, too insert-adjective-here to hold on to the healthy habits I’d developed, I would have been that much closer to my goal of proper health and fitness. So, maybe I wouldn’t have worked out for two hours a day, but even twenty minutes every other day or ten minutes every day would have made a difference by now. If I had chosen to take each opportunity as an individual entity, rather than summing them up, I would have made more healthy choices.

I rather doubt I’m going to get to a place where I tell myself I’m going to do this for the next year, the next six months, whatever. What I do have is one “today” after another. For today, I can take each moment and choose to be healthy. I can choose to sit around the computer or I can take a series of ten-minute breaks throughout the day…and walk, run, jump, stretch…anything.

Most things in life are like that, I think. Whether it’s staying away from someone you know is bad for you, becoming healthy, getting close to God, or just being more disciplined. Whatever your “fat” is, it doesn’t have to define you or become your prison. If we would take each moment of each today for the chance it is, we would make better choices.

No day is a waste after one bad choice (or even more). There is always hope. Always at least one person we can confess to for accountability purposes. Always grace. Always Strength that is perfect in our weakness.

Honestly, I have no plan. And that’s okay.

So then it is not of him who wills, nor of him who runs, but of God who shows mercy. Romans 9:16 (NKJV)

So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy. Romans 9:16 (ESV)

The Power of Weakness

03 Wednesday Oct 2012

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What do you do when you get to the end of yourself? What will it take to get you there?

It’s funny how I’ll know something is true, but spend years denying it. I know I can’t be trusted. As much as I appear to have it together on some levels, there’s just something in me that tends towards my own destruction–gleefully.

Even knowing that I can’t be trusted to do something as simple as brush my teeth every night or take a shower every day (most days, though. Teehee), I still want to get things right. I want to be strong enough to resist the things I know I should stay away from. Why? Because I know I should stay away from them. I want to not do what I know is wrong. I want to be strong, but I’m not. I’m terribly, terribly weak.

Not only am I frail beyond my own comprehension, I also delight in things I ought not to. No matter how I try to deny it, no matter how I take refuge in the illusion of improvement, this is who I am.

But, this is good news–excellent, even. I can’t make myself different. There isn’t going to come a day when my desires will suddenly line up with military precision to the standards of morally acceptable conduct. There won’t be a day when I wake up loving God above all, and hating sin (general or specific) to the point of utter repulsion. It’s just not coming.

It doesn’t need to.

See, when I stopped trying to fix myself, and just embraced the reality that I am truly wicked, I had to fall on God’s mercy. All these things I ought not to do will never fade by human effort. Only God can change me. God, who loves me as I am, just wants me to look into His eyes and give myself to Him, wretch that I am. That is where the fullness of joy comes from … from seeing God and knowing He is Love … from facing the reality of my own brokenness and the incomparable greatness of the God who makes all things new.

So, what’s your story, your “struggle”? I won’t say it doesn’t matter, but it is not the hindrance you may think it is. God knew us in advance, and He chose us. He saw that we’d fail, saw that we’d watch pornography, have sex when we shouldn’t, have homosexual desires, have abortions, kill, rape, steal, hate, lie … saw that we’d willingly and gladly worship all but Him. He saw that, and He loved us … still loves us.

He saw us, and He chose us … He delights in us through Jesus, as we are.

Let’s just be honest with ourselves. We’re not gonna beat those things, and the sooner we face it, the better. God longs to bring us to Him, to transform us as we fix our eyes on Him. He is the goal, not acceptable behaviour. Let’s be honest with God. Let’s be honest with each other. We suck, and it’s okay.

I dare you. Open up to God. Open up to someone about your struggles, someone who will pray with and for you … someone who will love on you. See where it leads.

Perhaps the first step to freedom is facing the power of our own weakness.

Waxing Poetic

05 Wednesday Sep 2012

Posted by in Reflections

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Most people who know me think I have quite the aversion to all things romantic. Whereas they’re not entirely off the mark, it’s more of a matter of being realistic…okay, with lots of cynicism thrown in. Point? I honestly don’t feel as if I’m missing out.

To this day, I still haven’t found anyone I’d reprogram my mind for. The closest I’ve come is saying to my sister, Felicia, that I’d marry her if she were male and we weren’t related. Why? You’d have to know her to understand. My mission today is to give you a peek into the lovely world of all things Fel.

Drive me crazy? ✓

Make me smile from depths of self I didn’t know I possessed? ✓

Finish each other’s sentences? ✓

Communicate without words? ✓

Remind my heart (dubious as its existence is) of what love feels like, just by the simple act of taking in oxygen? ✓

I could go on. Everyone needs a Fel… like, seriously. It’s so much bigger than the Bank of Fel phenomenon. It’s the way she lights up a room with a smile…the way she’s everyone’s self-appointed “fave”…the way her feet aren’t adult-sized…the way she walks around the house making noise for no reason…the way she delights in mischief…the way she can tick you off and make you smile in the same heartbeat.

I love my Felicia…and I miss her…and that’s what’s on my heart and mind today.

Is my family normal? A resounding no. Would I trade any of them for my greatest desire (whatever that is)? No. Each one is a gift. Know what I think? I think God knew I needed a Fel… and He gave me one. The same God who saw our need for Him (and gave us Jesus–best gift ever!) sees our need for human representations of His love, and He fills that need so beautifully. Be grateful.

If you have a Fel, say thank you. Thank you to that person who can make you remember how to smile … that person who can make you cry on a plane … that person who lets you enjoy being you, whoever you are.

So, not my best piece of writing, but I like it…because it’s about my Feliner…and I like her…lots.

Since I’m no longer on FB, I need a favour. All you nice people who are friends with Felicia, please share this link to her wall, or to your own wall. Just loud up di ting, so as many people as possible know how amazing she is. Who knows? I could get a brother-in-law out of this. She’s actually single…shocker. (A picture would be overkill…plus, she’d probably hurt me. Teehee.) OK, I’ll behave now. Thanks so much!

(P.S The title of this blog post was inspired by Felicia’s idea of how I’d express my response to the joy of her presence. Love you, Felpee! Thanks for loving me.)

The Days Add Up

25 Wednesday Jul 2012

Posted by in Reflections, Uncategorized

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I’m back home. Been here for eight full days. I was out of the country for almost one hundred days, and if I learned anything, it’s that the days add up.

I went to St. Lucia with every intention of changing, inside and out, but it took me the better part of three months to see that I had already changed. It was so easy to think I was unpleasant in reaction to my often annoying family (love you guys! :P), as opposed to unpleasant, full stop. Too easy to think I was too tired or busy (or idle) to talk to God, rather than admitting my heart was nowhere near Him. Too easy to admit a problem and tack on an external “because”, rather than admitting responsibility for where I was in life.

For the first time in my 15 years as a Christian, it became difficult to talk to God. I had more free time than I knew what to do with, no children to look after, no one to annoy me (during my sister’s work hours, that is…once she got home… :D), and lots of space. Still, having devotions was a struggle. Sure, I’d skipped devotions before, sometimes for days, but I’d never before felt as if I were just going through the motions.

It didn’t hit me until close to the end of my time there that the consequences of sin are often not what we think they are. Sin is degenerative. However “little” or “big”,  it costs us. Like, Jesus and I were cool, and I knew He wasn’t holding my actions against me, but I didn’t understand that they were changing me.

Sometimes, we get so caught up in how much God hates sin that we forget it is linked to His love for us. He knows what sin does to us. He knows it leads only to death. He knows the death is often slow and escapes our notice. It’s for our own good. Think about it: how does God benefit from us not sinning? He doesn’t. He’s still God, anyway, but there’s no doubt that our lives are better when we live God’s way. So, it’s not that God warns us from sin so that He will love us, but because He loves us. 

I have a huge collection of “little” sins and a few “big” ones. Even though I know there’s no ranking system where this is concerned, I tell myself it’s not such a big deal. But, you know something? These not-so-big deals kill us…one day at a time. One day at a time, my heart drifted from Him…and I didn’t even notice. For the most part, I was quite fine…happy, even. That’s the scary part.

Thankfully, the days add up for the better as well. When I, by His strength, fought through and spent the time I needed to with Him, the distance gradually decreased…until I ran away again. But, it screams hope. One day at a time, one situation at a time, we make choices that either lead us to or away from God. Nothing’s neutral. Anything that isn’t helping us draw closer to God is pulling us away. We may never have one huge consequence, but there are worse things. For too many of us, the price is our affection for God.

Is anything or anyone worth that? The reality of our choices often reveals that question is nowhere near as rhetorical as we think it is.

Accepting the reality of our sinfulness means accepting our authentic self. Judas could not face his shadow; Peter could. The latter befriended the impostor within; the former raged against him.

       – Brennan Manning

Of Fat and Sin

23 Monday Apr 2012

Posted by in Le Shrinking, Reflections

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Disclaimer:  This post is in no way attempting to imply that being fat is a sin. That’s a debate for those with enough time on their hands. Teehee. That said…

So, I finally left Jamaica. (I can strike that off my list.) Being here in St. Lucia with my sister is pretty cool, but there’s just one problem: there are too many mirrors in this house, man. Everywhere I went, I could see myself. Seriously? Like, how many mirrors does one house need?

Point? I finally SAW how much weight I had put on. Now, I’ve never been small by any stretch of anyone’s imagination, but this is the heaviest I’ve been in my whole life. In the words of a dear friend of mine, “You’re huge.” Being fat has never bugged me. It has been a part of my life forever, and I was never around people who made me feel worthless as a result, so I guess it was easy to…well, not notice that I was REALLY packing on the pounds, man. (No, no, now is not the time to mention my almost obsessive aversion to shrinking.)

Like, you don’t see the weight going on…well, I didn’t. I rarely ever use a mirror, because I already know what I look like, and, though I don’t have a lot of clothes, I have enough to know what they look like on me. Now, let’s not be silly, of course I knew I was putting on weight. I could also tell that my newly-acquired inactive lifestyle (chores only require so much activity and no more) was affecting me. I used to dance several hours a week, now I can’t easily climb a flight of stairs. Fitness issue much.

So, how did we arrive at the title for the blog post? Sin is pretty much the same way. Just as I knew I was putting on weight, but not to what extent, we know we’re slipping from God and we often don’t realise just how much until we’ve done something we never thought we would do. Like, it’s maybe an ounce at a time, one little misdeed at a time, but we know we’re pretty far from where He wants us. Like, I live on a hill. If I wanted to exercise, I could have. In the same way, we know we can go to God and have Him shape us into His image, but we don’t, for whatever reason. Maybe we say it’s too late, or maybe we haven’t yet allowed that moment of truth.

My moment of truth came last week. How? I bought a scale (a really hot scale, too :P). Now, I had a vague idea how much I weighed, but maybe I was secretly hoping it was less, especially since I’ve been kinda eating properly since getting here. SO, hot scale’s electric blue LCD output hit me for six.

291

Yep, you saw right, Yanique. I used to joke that I’m pushing 300, but seeing it? No fun. I’ve joined a gym at last (we’ll save that for another blog post), and I walk more, so maybe there’s hope. We’ll see. Less about the numbers, and more about getting my health and fitness back. Anyway…

I know people who would probably slash their wrists if they got to my size, yet I’m pretty certain we’re not that vigilant about sin. We’re not that vigilant about the things that are pulling us away from God, one tiny step or giant leap at a time.

It’s not easy to get back on track, but it can be done. For example, I went to a circuit training class last week… A few minutes in, I was like, “I am dead.” Like, I literally said it. My arm muscles were shot and my thighs weren’t much better, but I made it! And, I’ll be going again this week.

So, maybe the road back to God is one tiny step at a time…maybe a crawl, but go. He’s always waiting, arms open. And He’s more patient and helpful than any trainer on the planet, even that nice one who told me, “Don’t watch the numbers, just do what you can.” (Man, did I ever say Amen!) Maybe you’re wondering how you’ll ever get back to where you were, but do what you can. It’s all by God’s strength, anyway, and His grace is greater than our every weakness.

All the best on your journey (back) to God’s heart. In the words of another dear friend of mine, “Let the Spirit guide you.”

Expiry Date?

07 Wednesday Mar 2012

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“‎::Sometimes, we’re so busy casting God as the Guy who punishes sin, that we forget He’s also the Guy who DELIVERS from sin…the God who loves us and wants so much better for us than the chains we’re so fond of…the very chains killing us. Jesus is LIFE!:: #OnlyGrace”

Welcome to my FB status for today.

It’s really been bugging me…this idea that God has some kind of ranking system for sin, or expiry date for His love, and that after a while, we’ve pushed it too much, and it’s thumbs down time…off with your head. I have felt that way many times (like, MANY times), and I realised that it is a reflection of who I believe God to be. It is as if, because I have changed so much and gone so far from principles I used to hold dear, I believe that God’s view of me has changed as well…that God has changed.

Think about it, though. If you gave everything you had, your most valuable possession, just to make it possible for people to understand that you love them, what would make you decide it’s no longer worth it? The bar is set as high as it can possibly go…the highest price has been paid. What could make you decide to withhold love from an individual for whom you have already poured out ALL your love, that is, the ultimate expression of that love?

Would it be because that person had a bad year/week/way-too-long and went on a path of self-destruction? Are you likely to stop loving people because they are ruining their lives? Why, then, do we want to give God that role?

Do we even understand this salvation we’re inviting people to share? If we believe God is out to get us because we’re messed up (and because we mess up), why would anyone want to join us? Is the notion of becoming God’s next target so appealing?

Even if we hate ourselves, God doesn’t hate us. ♫Jesus loves me, this I know…♫? God doesn’t hate us because we sin. God doesn’t hate us, full stop. It is because God loves us so much that He has to keep us away from sin, because sin is both degenerative and inherently destructive. It exists for no purpose but the destruction of God’s creation.

A loving Creator doesn’t want us hiding from Him…running from Him. He wants us hiding in Him…running to Him, weaknesses and all. That is the whole point of grace…not that we are free to sin, but that we are free from sin…because He loves us.

Remember the grace.  He saw us coming, man… and He chose us, for His glory.

Romans 5:8 (NIV)

But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

I like this song:  

Leftovers…

28 Tuesday Feb 2012

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It is so unlike me to have had absolutely nothing I wished to share with my little section of this vast blogosphere…for over three months! My mind was far from blank, but the thoughts were less than comforting. When my mind runs away with me, it often goes to places too dark for comfort (and yes, some dark places are quite comfortable, thank you very much).

Recently, I found myself doing a bit of a mental inventory, taking stock of all the things that were within my reach and would have been mine without there needing to be a miracle. Of all the things I could have done, of all the things I (kinda) set out to do, of all the things I came close to wanting, how many of them have ticks (not the parasites) beside them? None… zero… not even one.

When I take the time to crunch those numbers, I wonder what’s the point. I’m pushing 30 (26 is almost 30, so there), and what do I have show for it? I wouldn’t say, “nothing”, but there are days it seems pretty close. I ask myself…what’s left? After all I’ve lost/thrown away/strangled to death and then stabbed for good measure, what remains of this Lori creature? That is perhaps the question of my lifetime.

My nephews were watching the first episode of “The Jetsons” the other day–the one in which they acquired Rosie (epic robot maid). There were complaints that all they had were leftovers, and Spacely (boss dude) was coming over for dinner. Rosie saved the day…with the leftovers.

One of the hardest things for me to accept is that God can and will redeem (buy back, restore value to) my life. I believe firmly that He is able to redeem anyone and anything, but I somehow manage to exclude myself from this process, if only on a subconscious level.

I do not dare to suggest that God is an epic robot maid (He’s infinitely cooler), but I dare to believe that one day, I will believe in His power to redeem from a place that transcends intellectual acceptance of God’s goodness and faithfulness…to me.

If God could make the world from nothing (which He did), if He could make the way for all mankind to be restored to Him through Jesus (which He most certainly did), then imagine what He can do with leftovers… with Lori. Imagine what He can do with you.

Honestly, I can’t picture it yet, but it’s coming…like a sunrise stealing across my soul.

Hosea 13:9, 10 (KJV [paraphrased])

O Israel, you have destroyed yourself; but in Me is your help. I will be your king: where is any other that may save you…?

But we must…

05 Saturday Nov 2011

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Sometimes, there are no words… other times, you must bleed through your fingers, turning black and white to red… depending on how normal you are, sometimes you cry, and only those saline streams form an effective outlet.

Still, sometimes, nothing works.

Nothing works, and all you can do is take one tortured breath after another. Repeat.
No pause.
No stop.
Repeat…

How do you stop your heart from becoming one huge callus? You can’t change the pain, so the answer must be to change the heart… to shut it down, so it registers no sensation, be it pain or pleasure. Life sucks… sometimes. What can we do about it, really?

I dare to suggest that maybe the point isn’t to change life, but to BE CHANGED by the tide of trials and the fires of agony… to allow the God who is with us when we pass through the fire to watch over us as He refines us into vessels that please Him. Either life is some twisted cosmic game, or God has a plan. A good plan. A plan to prosper us, and not to harm us. A plan to give us a hope and a future. A plan for us to cry out to Him, pray to Him, seek Him, find Him, and be FOUND IN HIM.

Life stinks… but we must believe. We must believe that the God who is Love has not deserted us, even when other ‘loves’ have.
Love hurts… but we must recall the goodness of the God who takes the time to number the hairs on our heads, because He’s either an obsessive compulsive or He really does care about us.
We bleed… but we must call on the mercy of the God who heals, the God who makes alive the dead.
We fail… but we must fall on the grace of the God whose strength is perfect in our weakness…we must fall on His grace, thus learning to stand.
The fire may not cease… but we must believe that God is able to deliver us, and even if He doesn’t, we must believe that He will never desert us.
There are things we will never understand this side of heaven… but we must run to God…with our tears, our sorrows, our questions, our joys…with everything.

How easy it is to forget the goodness of God in a world where life is one heartache after another… a world in which we see death, sickness, starving children, injustice, and every horror imaginable. We may not be able to change the things around us, but we must allow God’s love to change us, and we’ll find that we’re already making a difference, simply by being different.

God is good. Say it. Remember it. Believe it. We are still here. We have life in Jesus, the Christ, the Son of the Living God. We have hope. God has not forgotten us.

God is Love.

Lamentations 3 (NKJV [mostly :P])

17 You have moved my soul far from peace; I have forgotten prosperity.
18 And I said, “My strength and my hope have perished from the LORD.”
19 Remember my affliction and roaming, the wormwood and the gall.
20 My soul still remembers and sinks within me.
21 This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope.
22 It is because of the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.
23 They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.
24 “ The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “ Therefore I hope in Him!”
25 The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him
26 It is good that one should hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.