Monthly Archives: December 2012

If I Could Have My Way…

25 Tuesday Dec 2012

Posted by in Le Shrinking, Reflections

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…I’d leave the country for a year, and go somewhere…where no one knows me (with the exception of my all-purpose sister/friend/weirdo/whatever-she-chooses-to-be).

It’s not like me to be this…open? aware of my ‘feelings’?…but I want to run away…snatch a break from the clutches of this vacuum passing for my life…take the time to explore why my mind is thinking about a vacuum in physics terms and telling me a vaccum would technically be incapable of having clutches.

The year’s almost over, and the days have just passed, especially since coming back home. Five whole months, and I don’t think I have five days I wish to remember. Thoughts of change and taking first steps are constants in my world these days, but I tend to excel at the illusion of planning, but super suck at execution.

The thing is, I’ve had my way for over half my life, and it has led me here…to a place my alleged way with words cannot aptly capture…to a place I fear I’ve been too long…a place I may never leave.

If I could have my way, I’d stay here forever, not caring it’d kill me.

This is why I need the Saviour. I’d gleefully catapult myself into hell (both on this earth and after my alloted amount of oxygen has expired) without Him. Still, I forget too easily.

That was a good little conversation, I think…a bit bleh, but I think I needed it. We’ll see how things go in the next couple of weeks or so. So, for the general purposes of accountability, here are the things I need to ‘work on’ in the coming months:

• My journey towards God’s heart
• Becoming healthy
• This writing thing
• Exploring and embracing a future…rather than letting the days pass without any goal in mind

Change is hard. Maybe I’m just in some unique category of terrible, but all this being a person stuff? So not my thing. One breath at a time, eh?

And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

2 Corinthians 12:9 (NKJV)

The Holy Bible, New King James Version Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.

I Tell Myself…

07 Friday Dec 2012

Posted by in Reflections

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…what I want to hear…and then I tell myself I don’t want to hear it. By then, it’s already too late, and I’ve managed only to dig myself deeper into this hole I tell myself I want to come out of.

…what I don’t want to hear, and then I use it as an excuse to not do anything about it…”Oh, at least I know what the problem is”, and then I tell myself that’s progress.

…that I’m changing, perhaps finally growing up. After all, if I can perceive the lies I tell myself, it must mean I’m moving in the right direction.

…that I’ll never change, and this growing up thing is yet another doomed seed planted in the fertile soil that functions as my imagination. After all, if I can perceive the lies I tell myself, yet hold on to them, it must mean I am even more of a moron than I thought.

…to hope and dream. How else will my soul catch those much-needed breaths? Of all the things I tell myself, this is perhaps my least favourite.

…not to hope and dream. How else will my heart remain in the seclusion that guarantees my sanity? Of all the things I tell myself, this is perhaps the most dangerous…

…I love You, and then I tell myself I’m wrong.

…I don’t love You, and then I tell myself all the reasons I must be right.

…to shut up, for it is long overdue.

…to talk to You…and that just may be the best thing I tell myself.

Thus says the Lord:“The people who survived the sword Found grace in the wilderness—Israel, when I went to give him rest.”

The Lord has appeared of old to me, saying: “Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love, therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.

Jeremiah 31:2, 3 (NKJV)

The Holy Bible, New King James Version Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.